I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
