I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
