totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
