We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
