I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
