I want to make a zoo with you.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
