i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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