Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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