So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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