the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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