i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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