yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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