All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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