Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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