So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
