Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
