You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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