Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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