I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
