Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
