you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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