a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
3 2 1 whiskey
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
