I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
