is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
