After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
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