The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
