i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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