My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
