Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
