Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
