...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
