Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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