We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
