I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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