Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
