There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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