I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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