just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
