Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
