mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
