I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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