Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
