but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
