none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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