I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
