There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I think I just sharted jello shots
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
