My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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