Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
