my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
