Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
