Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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